Going into college, I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I thought, maybe communications? I like to…communicate I guess? I kind of like the idea of marketing, graphic design, art, fashion, planning…that all fits in under communication, right? I truly had no idea.
What I did know is that the school I got into didn’t even offer that, so I chose Linguistics instead. Not sure what I was seeking there. I quickly switched to film after taking a class and kind of sort of liking it. At that point, I was so lost, homesick and directionless that I thought settling for something was better than settling for nothing.
Not what I would recommend, surprisingly. Growing up, I wanted to be a fashion designer. At one point, it was Yao Ming (not just a basketball player, but specifically Yao Ming), but that didn’t last long. But for a good chunk of my childhood it was fashion. I loved Project Runway, liked to trace body outlines from my fashion books and then draw my creations on them. I succeeded in sewing my own poodle skirt for Halloween, a skirt to wear for my band concert and an unfinished pair of pajama pants. I also cut up just about all of my clothes, but I wouldn’t necessarily call that fashion design.
As senior year approached, reality set it and I realized I needed to seriously figure out what I actually wanted to do. So I figured I couldn’t get into Parsons and FIDM wasn’t going to be the right fit, so I went on an East Coast tour of potential art schools with my dad. And while that was one of my favorite trips of all time, I came home and had the sinking realization that “Oh hey, to go to art school you need to have a portfolio and some sort of art experience and a genuine passion for this” and I had about half of one of those things –– a kind of sort of passion for art. After all, I started our art club in high school and was one of three students in an AP art class so it was my thing, right?
Turns out, it wasn’t. And that's really discouraging. It can feel like everyone knows what they want to do, or to really be passionate about something you have to have wanted it forever. And I don't know that I've had something I was consistently pursuing and passionate about for a long period of time. Throughout high school and starting college, I didn't really have something I was chasing hard.
And all this isn’t to do myself a disservice and say that I totally lack drive, because I would never to admit to something that bad on the internet (kind of kidding), but to say a lack of passion doesn’t mean a lack of trying. And a lack of passion doesn’t mean total apathy, either. I think uncertainty and fear of failure and quite honestly financial fear of pursuing something “unstable” stopped me in my tracks more than anything. And like always, I’m writing this in hopes that one other person feels that a little inside.
So maybe it’s not lack of passion, it’s a lack of something else. Direction? Security? Or maybe scariest of all, trust in myself?
It’s not an unwillingness to try, it’s a fear of what happens if it doesn’t work. I blogged in high school, but didn't stick with it. It was really fun but it was a commitment and I just didn't keep it. I tried blogging again after a big terrible breakup, and that stopped because I knew no one was reading. And even now, I worry about this blog and wonder if following this passion matters.
And you know what, I need to treat myself better than that. I’ve been trying this new thing where instead of letting the self doubt clouds fill my head with “no one’s reading,” and “what’s the point,” and “other people are better,” and trading them for “who cares? I like it, I’m gonna do it.” A big reason I restarted my blogging and actually being consistent about it is because I needed to do it. For myself.
I was lucky enough to get an amazing job in the field I got my degree from literally months after walking across the graduation stage. Even better, it was the one and only job I applied to. Even BETTER, my company is amazing and takes great care of us. I feel lucky every single day for it, and this weird lack of passion isn’t so much because of it but in spite of it. It’s this weird internal thing where I wouldn’t trade this job for anything right now, but at the same time I have this fear I’m going to wake up in 5 years and worry I got stuck in a 9-5 routine for too long.
That brings us to here and now. My passion project. I barely have 300 Instagram followers. I don’t even know the stats on this blog. My shopping addiction is spiraling out of control. But I’m committing to changing my thinking. I’m almost to 300 Instagram followers, and 50 likes gets me so excited. I enjoy writing on here, even if my parents are my only readers (hey y’all). Shopping for clothes is an investment in my brand...right?
So, I’m on the road for seeking out passion. And along the way seriously wondering, isn’t that like…kind of weird and sad? That passion is something I’m not only lacking but that I have to seek out? Shouldn’t I be an ambitious college grad that has lots of passion? But I’m also learning to be kinder to myself. I don’t think passion comes out of the blue. And I don’t think passion is one attainable characteristic you have or don’t have. I’m passionate and driven and caring about so many things –– what I’m really seeking is a hobby, if we’re being honest.
Something to make the 9-5 not consume me or be the only thing I do every day. Some people are born with more passion and drive than other people, sure. But isn’t it exciting to be trying new things instead of knowing what you were destined to do since you were 5 years old?
Maybe if I had become Yao Ming by now I’d feel different, but it’s exciting to explore. And it’s rewarding. So here’s to being passionate with our passions, whether it’s perfecting your free throws, traveling the world, becoming a photographer, learning to make dumplings from scratch, taking care of people, learning a language or even just sitting on your lunch hour typing out a blog post.
Passion isn’t one thing, and it isn’t inherently in every fiber of our being. Sometimes it hides and we just have to dig a little deeper to find it, but it’s worth the search .